//Phantoms

PHANTOMS

Originally posted on ovariancancerisnothing.wordpress.com 

I’ve felt all the pinpricks in the last two weeks, piercing and throbbing from things no longer there. I keep wondering if it’s the way I’ve been sleeping on my side or because we reinstalled the three-inch memory foam topper we haven’t used in two years.

When I called my oncologist’s office on Monday to make an appointment, I noticed their appointment line changed. They want me to come in on Nov 9th, and I felt my rebellion swell when I knew I had to power to say, “No, I have something to do that day.” The contact for their office is no longer on my favorites to speed dial, and I regained some normalcy by having to look up the office number. Even the thought of going back for an exam evokes the image of blue latex-free gloves and echos back the crinkle of off-white exam table paper. Sometimes when I sit in the waiting room, the other patients think I’m waiting for someone else – because in their mind I couldn’t possibly have had ovarian cancer – especially not stage IV.

It’s happening more during the day since I hit two years since diagnosis last week. I’ve rubbed the muscle under the MediPort scar and massaged the area under my stretched mommy tummy. I know they’re not there, the deadly things they took out and nuked through IV lines, but I still feel them. My scans still say I’m fine and can confirm the emptiness, but sometimes I feel the phantoms of my organs. Sometimes I dream I can still have children. Sometimes I dream it never happened.

I’m hoping, one day, light will pierce the apparitions, and they will never return – annoying flutters of memory.

 

Kristinna Abalos

Founder of Teal45 – A Community for Young Cancer Survivors and Thrivers

Blog: ovariancancerisnothing.wordpress.com

 

Globe-athon is proud to partner with Smart Patients, an online community where patients learn from each other about their cancer journeys. On Smart Patients, you can discuss issues raised in this blog post and beyond. Join here: https://www.smartpatients.com/globe-athon.

2019-07-31T16:08:54+00:00