“Cancer is not a game of winners and losers. If you live you “win” and if you die you “lose”? How inappropriate is that?” Dr. Michael Wosnick

 – In honor of our dear loving friend, Vivian V.

A close family friend passed away last week, someone who I admired greatly. She was an intelligent, passionate, driven woman. This amazing woman passed away after living with ovarian cancer for almost two years. I’m not going to say that she “lost” her “battle” with cancer, because it would be preposterous to qualify cancer as a war that one can simply strategize a fight against.

To say this wonderful woman “lost” the battle would imply that she didn’t try hard enough, that if she would have just kept on hanging on for one more day, one more night, the cancer would have “given in”, thrown down its arms and wave the white flag. How absurd! And how belittling to say someone “lost to cancer”. Cancer is not a marathon or a common enemy, it’s a disease, there is still no cure and some people survive it yet others don’t; but nobody “wins” or “loses”.

I know several people who’ve had a loved one die of cancer, and I myself have too. And I know that none of us think our loved ones didn’t work hard enough or “fight the battle” long enough. We all know their disease took them from us too soon, and that it broke their bodies down and caused them miserable pain.

To quote Dr. Wosnick’s post When Dealing with Cancer “Loser” Language Doesn’t Work: “The use of the word “lose” is like a zero-sum game to me: if someone or something “loses” then that means that someone or something else “wins”. You can’t have a loser if you don’t have winner.”

It’s not like those who “win” the battle with cancer will be rewarded by a trophy at the finish line and those who don’t will get what? They’ll be chastised by the words: “…lost the courageous battle with cancer” in their obituary. Don’t we owe them more than that?

There is no battle to “win” here and only a cancer patient can understand the private struggle to survive and the will to seek treatment. Cancer is a terrible disease and no ribbons or yogurt lids will make it less painful to endure. But how we talk about our loved ones when they’re still here and after they’re gone will at the very least help maintain their dignity.

I admire all those who have courageously faced this disease. Like Vivian, who won at life, won at being a wife, mother, sister, grandmother, colleague, and many other things. Vivian, deserves to be remembered for who she was and the meaning she brought to our lives, not by how she died. So we choose to say:

Vivian, you were a guiding light, and an inspiration to all of us. Thank you for making our lives better with your presence, for your kindness, and your support. This is what we’ll remember you for. 

Written by Maribel Quezada